Today I had my naturalization interview with the agency previously known as INS.

Yes, finally I am a citizen. One more vote for Condoleezza-Bush and one more vote against Davis.

Becoming a citizen is an interesting process. First there is the hefty fee (paid for by my BF). Then there is more paperwork and 2 by 2 pictures. Then fingerprinting and an interview.

Remember that scene in the first Matrix where Neo is captured by the agents. One of the agents, agent Smith, pulls out a portfolio that contains a detailed documentation of Neo’s life. My interview was very similar with 2 major exceptions. My mouth did not melt into an adhesive goo and instead of hot agents wearing Armani suits I got a chubby, yet very friendly, Latina.

I was escorted to a room. Inside there the usual office decor. On the desk there was a 2 inch thick portfolio. I guess I have yet to do more with my life. Hopefully it will gain a few more inches before I retire. Can you guess the pun?

The chubby Latina came in and looked over all the paperwork. I noticed that some of the paperwork was turning brown due to time. Others were in Russian or Armenian. Most contained CCCP (USSR) symbols. Upon noticing these symbols, I got chills. All of a sudden I had flashes of communist oppression, starving academics, and evil doctors who wanted to stick needles into me when I was 5. She had it all in front of her. My entire life. There were medical insurance claims form both the US and USSR, birth certificates, school records, and an old picture of my 6 year old, but still handsome, face. Where did they get all this? Has the KGB sold it’s communist soul?

Yes, the Homeland Dept. of Security had all this information. However I started to feel much better when the friendly lady asked me to locate a birth certificate within the portfolio. She did not know which one it was and wanted me to translate its content. I did as she wanted; like any good citizen would. From there the interview was a breeze. I knew that my life was in safe and incapable hands. The department could do very little with this information. After all they had it for over ten years and have yet to translate its content. What does that say about our intelligence gathering institutions? You all know the answer.

On a brighter note. I am officially one of you and should no be confused as a citizen of that country which you silly fellow American seem to think is located in Eurasia